‘How do I get three kids to shelter?’ One Israeli mother’s battle front while husband is in IDF reserves

(Editor's note: the names have been changed for privacy reasons)

For Sarah, the war didn’t just bring on the usual concerns of ballistic missiles launched by Iran. 

It was the fear that she would not be able to get her three young children – including a toddler and two-month old – to a shelter, alone.

After the U.S. and Israel opened up a war against Iran on Feb. 28, Sarah had a niggling feeling that her husband might be called up to serve in the reserves again. It didn’t take long to prove true.

“When he did get called up, I basically just cried for over 24 hours with a little sleep in between. I just couldn't stop crying,” she said. “I was not mentally prepared for it. He was excited, of course, because he has a sense of purpose. But for me, this time, it was really devastating.” 

Sarah spent most of the last two and a half years on her own with two kids while her husband was stationed inside the Gaza Strip. He was released in the fall, right before the birth of their third child. 

During the Gaza war against Hamas, she dreaded losing her husband.

“This time my fear is, ‘How do I get three kids safely to a bomb shelter by myself?’ I can’t carry three sleeping babies.”

The ongoing call-up for reserve soldiers has put a strain on many relationships. For every soldier called up, a spouse is calculating the fragmented details of their day, from the number of seconds to the nearest shelter to the online learning schedule for their children, as well as errands and sleepless nights.

Like Sarah, many single parents are facing a perilous war without the support of a spouse. While the conflict with Hamas was largely confined to the Gaza area, this one has put most of Israel’s civilian centers in the crosshairs of Iranian ballistic missiles.

“It’s not just, he’s not here and the kids drive me crazy. I’m always thinking, ‘How do I keep them safe?’ I’ve seen the damage some of these missiles can do,” Sarah said in an interview with ALL ISRAEL NEWS.

This enhanced sense of responsibility, all on one person, is draining and amplifies the loneliness.

FIRST FEW DAYS

Avi was home for the birth of their third son in December and also when the war broke out on Feb. 28. The family moved into a friend’s apartment because their own didn’t have a shelter and spent the first few weeks navigating together the sporadic and unpredictable sirens.

“He saw how hard it is, whereas the other times I don't think he really fathomed how intense it is for me when he’s not here,” she said. “This is the first time he was with me during a war because on October 7th, he left.”

Up until the moment Avi was called up, Sarah said this was “the easiest war” for her. When Avi left on the morning of the war’s 12th day, it hit Sarah harder than in the past and the stress impacted the children, too. 

She and her oldest son, a second grader, “were at each other's throats the entire day.” He resisted online school classes and homework and when Sarah checked on him, he was playing on the phone instead of listening. 

But she was keeping another eye on her 3-year-old, who was trying to play with the newborn.

“I can't leave the baby out of my sight for a second,” she said. “So my oldest and I are fighting, and then the two of them are fighting and killing each other and kicking each other.” 

“Usually, at least when dad comes home, he will lay down the law and back me up. But when he's not here, then the discipline is much harder to maintain,” Sarah said. “They kind of try their luck with me, but they don't really do that when he's around.”

Another stressful factor is the risks of playing outside.

“It’s very different from like a summer break,” she explained. “On summer break, you can at least like go out and do things with the kids. Now we’re just kind of in the house. And if we do go out, I’m constantly worried about where to run if I am out with three kids.”

Even small outings require tactical planning. 

“Can I carry the baby? Can the stroller go fast enough? Where do I go if we’re out? It’s just super stressful,” Sarah listed some of her concerns. “I keep thinking, okay, how do I get three kids out of the car if there’s a siren? I can’t physically carry the 3-year-old and the baby by myself.”

But she does it anyway because the boys “need to be outside all day, every day for all of us to stay sane,” Sarah said.

Days blur together with a makeshift routine of online learning and naps – a routine that can be punctured at any moment by a siren. 

“People are offering to help, but I don’t even know what I really need,” she said. “I think the hardest part is feeling like it’s all on me. And also, yeah, you just feel very alone in it.”